New Jokes and a whole lot of old ones

[Ken]

Anniversary


A couple were celebrating fifty years together. Their three kids, all
very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. 'Sorry I'm
running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you
know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're
all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I
just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have
time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad
you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm
sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy
packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something
your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we
were very poor when we got together. Despite this, we were able to
send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I
knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the
time to get married."

The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bastards?"

"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."

[Terry J]

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist!'

[Terry J]

This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

(Pause)

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father. . Who art in Heaven. . . ...."

[Ken]

I occasionally post something that is not a joke here because the subject is very interesting..

[jab2]

I occasionally post something that is not a joke here because the subject is very interesting..

Let me guess,
because lawyers ain't scientists,
or,
because lawyers live in a different universe?

[Peter Veitch]

Let me guess,
because lawyers ain't scientists,
or,
because lawyers live in a different universe?

.. and I always thought that accountants were single cell organisms!

[Chris F]

Ken now THAT is one powerfull statement !!

[Ken]

There were these two blondes driving along the highway looking
for a place to stop and picnic. The first blonde says,

"Let's stop here, and have our picnic under that tree."

The other says, "No! Let's have it right here in the middle of the road."

They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have it in the middle of the road.

All of a sudden, a car comes speeding towards them and has to
swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.

The one blonde says to the other,

"See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"

[Roberto]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

Scouring the remains of a construction site the Scotsman finally sees his ticket in and picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

Moments later the Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe, England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

After combing the site for an hour the Irishman eventually grabs a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[Ken]

Woman logic...

[Ken]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when
you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been
with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex
anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have
sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with
your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'f@ck you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security
sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Niranjan B Venkatesh]

Hmm

[Niranjan B Venkatesh]

ViewFinder

[Terry J]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, Mom" said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he asks.

" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. "

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I ? "

[Ken]

Life is what you make of it.......

[Forgiss - Sean Nel]

nice one Ken!

[visagieh]

K9 Rectum Inspection

[Ken]

Always make sure she doesn't have an adam's apple.....

[Ken]

What the shadow tells.....

[Ken]

The importance of having an occupation after retirement. As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person: THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD: "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?' Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine. It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it." Harold should be an inspiration to us all.