New Jokes and a whole lot of old ones

[Terry J]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00am, and plan on starting at 10:00am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00am to 4:00pm, why do you want me here only from10:00am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[Roberto]

A city boy in the Witness Protection Program moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

“Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

“Okay then. Just unload the donkey.”

“What ya gonna do with him?”

“I’m going to raffle him off.”

“You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

“Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, “Whatever happened with that dead donkey?”

“I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

“Didn’t anyone complain?”

“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

[Ken]

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

[Roberto]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure dead brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Av goat everythin organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. Whit's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah imagine she'll be in white.

[Roberto]

TEXTING for over 40s

The kids have all their little SMS codes, like BFF, WTF, LOL etc.

So here are some codes for the more mature...

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kickin In!

[Ken]

Dung Beetle Chat

[Terry J]

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house - mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on - you know the outfit: shorts with the hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to the hardware store to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favourite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favourite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the hardware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog poo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to the hardware store until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poo on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize that something is hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to the hardware store. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door. Your cough has a second resonance, lower down, behind you.

You look around, pretending to look for the perpetrator.

[Karin Leibbrandt]

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to the hardware store. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog poo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

SO TRUE!!! In my case, I think where is the smallest, most tucked away hardware store where nobody will recognise me... only to find that my boss had the same idea!

[Terry J]

COSTCO DOCTOR


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds
and costs ten dollars - A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits..

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Costco."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results.. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results .

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm.. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours... Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco.

[Roberto]

Twee ouens in Woolworths stamp mekaar se winkeltrollies.

Die een sê: "Hel, ek's jammer, man, maar ek soek my vrou."

"Dis toevallig. Ek soek myne ook."

"Miskien kan ons mekaar help. Hoe lyk jou vrou?"

Sy's lank. Sy't lang, blonde hare, lang bene met mooi kuite, groterige, ferm tiete en 'n oulike, stywe gat.

Hoe lyk joune?"

"Te hel met haar. Kom ons soek joune."

[Terry J]

A pastor decided to do something a little different. He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind --

The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'

The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said 'SEX'. The congregation fell into total silence....

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing....

'MEMORIES.'

[Ken]

Exchange between pilot and a control tower…

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

[Ken]

Life is like a penis -

.....simple, relaxed and hanging free.....

.....It's women who make it hard !!

[Chris F]

In an African Safari, A LION suddenly bounced on Santa's wife.
WIFE: Shoot him! Shoot him!
SANTA: Yes, Yes. I'm changing d battery of my camera..

[HiltonP]

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than it is on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b.....d’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

[Ken]

Word fascination:

[Terry J]

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up..

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."

[Terry J]

I was sharing a romantic meal in a fancy restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said, "Sir, your wife's just slid under the table."

"No she hasn't," I replied, "she's just walked through the door."

[Roberto]

.

[Ken]

ñ Kind vra sy oupa:"Wat is die verskil tussen ñ skelmpie, ñ meisie en ñ vrou?"

Sy oupa antwoord:

"ñ skelmpie is soos heuning, ñ mens kan nie te veel daarvan kry nie, want dis te soet en dan kry jy suikersiekte."

"ñ Meisie, is soos kerrie en rys. 'n Mens kan net sommige dae daarvan kry, anders is jou cholestrol te hoog."

"En ñ vrou is soos peanut botter en konfyt. As jy niks het om te eet nie, dan eet jy dit maar."