Become a part of the community. Register and take part in all the features the site has to offer.

Page 101 of 120 FirstFirst ... 51 91 99 100 101 102 103 111 ... LastLast
Results 2,001 to 2,020 of 2395
  1. #2001
    Frequent Member Roberto's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    East London
    Age
    42
    Posts
    4,466
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
    He decides to test it at dinner.

    'Son, where were you today?'
    Son says 'at school dad.'
    Robot slaps the son!


    'Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!'
    'What dvd?'
    'Toy story.'
    Robot slaps the son again!


    'Ok, it was a porno' cries the son.
    'What! When I was your age I didn't know what porn was' says the dad.
    Robot slaps the dad!


    Mum laughs 'HaHaHa! He's certainly your son.'
    Robot slaps The mum!

  2. #2002
    Frequent Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Greytown
    Posts
    2,247
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    A Blonde comes home one day to find that she had been burgled and so she phone's the police. The first to arrive at the scene was a member of the K9 unit. Just then the Blonde comes out slap's her hand to her forehead and say's "My house has just been robbed and now they send me a blind policeman."

  3. #2003
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    "Those Tablets"

    My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' men get an erection.

    You should have seen her face when I came back home and tossed her some diet pills!

    I'm still looking for a place to live.
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  4. #2004
    Frequent Member Terry J's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Pretoria North
    Age
    81
    Posts
    1,377
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....
    She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
    "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
    Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.
    Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"
    He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
    I'm never serious unless I have to be.


    Terrence
    My storage area: http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrence_j/

  5. #2005
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
    for example...

    A wife comes home late at night early from being
    out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

    Did you say 'hello'?"
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  6. #2006
    Frequent Member SoftDux-Rudi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    838
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Ken View Post
    There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
    for example...

    A wife comes home late at night early from being
    out of town and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

    From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
    She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

    Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

    As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

    "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay in our bedroom.

    Did you say 'hello'?"
    Brilliant!
    Professional website hosting - use "ODP_RULES" to get 50% discount.
    Please help support a good cause

  7. #2007
    Frequent Member Terry J's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Pretoria North
    Age
    81
    Posts
    1,377
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
    The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
    When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"
    Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
    The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."
    I'm never serious unless I have to be.


    Terrence
    My storage area: http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrence_j/

  8. #2008
    Frequent Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Cape Town
    Age
    53
    Posts
    2,820
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

    When chemists die, they barium.

    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.

    PMS jokes aren't funny; period!

    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    Broken pencils are pointless.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

    Velcro — what a rip off!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    Venison for dinner again? Oh dear!
    Regards, HILTON
    http://hiltonp-twotrains.blogspot.com/
    "If a photograph is interesting, nobody cares if it's technically good. If a photograph isn't interesting, nobody cares at all."

  9. #2009
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
    Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
    One night the 96 year old draws a bath.. She puts her foot in and pauses...
    She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
    The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
    She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
    The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
    She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," and she knocked on wood.
    She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  10. #2010
    Frequent Member Chris F's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    Location
    Bellville
    Age
    46
    Posts
    1,316
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Two Capies walk into their favourite restaurant in Bo-Kaap to have a bite to eat. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of them looks at her and says, "Kin djy swaller?"
    The woman shakes her head - no. Then he asks, "Kin djy breathe?"

    The woman begins to turn blue and shakes hear head - no. He walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

    The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again the bloke walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, ‘Djy know, I’d heerd of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver, but I niver seed nobody do it!"

  11. #2011
    Frequent Member Terry J's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Pretoria North
    Age
    81
    Posts
    1,377
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

    The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. "No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
    "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills". The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
    "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"
    I'm never serious unless I have to be.


    Terrence
    My storage area: http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrence_j/

  12. #2012
    Frequent Member Terry J's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Pretoria North
    Age
    81
    Posts
    1,377
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Never ask the kids to Pray .....

    At dinner, a little boy John was ordered to lead in prayer.

    John: But I don't know what to pray?

    Dad: Just pray for your family members.

    John: "Dear Lord," he started, "thank u for giving me such lovely parents. Thanks for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless dem so dat they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Xmas, pls send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work, AMEN.
    I'm never serious unless I have to be.


    Terrence
    My storage area: http://www.flickr.com/photos/terrence_j/

  13. #2013
    Frequent Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Greytown
    Posts
    2,247
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
    If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
    What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
    I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
    Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA – I came, I saw, I shopped.
    If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
    STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
    Strange! No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.
    Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
    Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

  14. #2014
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    FOOD FOR THOUGHT

    When a bird is alive..it eats ants, when the bird is dead.. ants eat the bird!
    So....Time & Circumstances can change at any time..

    Don’t devalue or hurt anyone in life. You may be powerful today..but Remember..
    ... Time is more powerful than You!!!
    One tree makes a million match sticks..but when the time comes.. Only one match stick is needed to burn a million trees..

    So be good and do good for the sake of your soul!!!
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  15. #2015
    Frequent Member
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Cape Town
    Age
    53
    Posts
    2,820
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Golf Ethics

    Here is a golf ethics question for you. What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard’s ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?
    Regards, HILTON
    http://hiltonp-twotrains.blogspot.com/
    "If a photograph is interesting, nobody cares if it's technically good. If a photograph isn't interesting, nobody cares at all."

  16. #2016
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Learn Chinese:
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  17. #2017
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
    Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
    After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
    After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger. Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
    She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
    But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
    Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been in here already?'

    The moral of the story:
    Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  18. #2018
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes


    After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.
    'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him. 'You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
    'Yes,' the man replies shakily.
    'Well,' the doctor continues, 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  19. #2019
    Frequent Member Ken's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Location
    Johannesburg
    Age
    64
    Posts
    916
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Loosen up people:....
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    Ken Jerrard

    Today is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy the day!!!
    Light travels faster than sound - this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    "Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it" - Michael J. Fox
    www.KenJerrard.com

  20. #2020
    Frequent Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Greytown
    Posts
    2,247
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: New Jokes

    Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



    Here are the winners:


    1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

    2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.



    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

    5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

    12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

    15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

    16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



    17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

    And the winners are:


    1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

    2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

    3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

    4. esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.



    5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

    6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

    7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.(Guess who!)


    8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

    9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

    10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

    11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

    12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



    13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

    14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

    15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

    16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men



Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •