New Jokes and a whole lot of old ones

[elsahoffmann]

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When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and purchase a
rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the Curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins - Take out the literature and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement, "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times the following message ..... "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

[elizevdm]

Oh Pix, that just made my day! I am on my way to the gym, and that guy knows how to give me a hard time, but it is FAR BETTER than being a quality control person at J&J!

[DuQues]

It's really not difficult...To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

01. a friend
02. a companion
03. a lover
04. a brother
05. a father
06. a master
07. a chef
08. an electrician
09. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organiser
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention,
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:-
01. Feed him
02. Sleep with him
03. Leave him in peace

[elizevdm]

DuQues, you just became my husband's hero! How ever...
... you have just been struck from the women's tea list and written up in the BLACK book!

[springhaas]

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.


Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool.. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'; This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my ass was swollen shut.

Love Rob


So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[DuQues]

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass
and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied He slipped into his
shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my
secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The Second Affair

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

The Third Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send
you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Fourth Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "Stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fifth Affair

A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One Cent?", exclaimed the man. So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?" "Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "But that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied "Four Cents?", exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."

The Sixth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Betty, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Betty my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Betty," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Betty, "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace, Betty. I .. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, my sweet one" whispered Betty, "Let the poison work."

[Mariusbez]

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.

She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:

Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"



Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover

gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone

over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate

it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"



Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any

questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.



The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented

himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to

declare?"



From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",

he replied.



Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked,

And from the sash down, what do you have?"



The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined

for use by women, but which has never been used."



Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.

Next!"

[Willem Semmelink]

THESE PEOPLE VOTE!!!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

These people Vote...



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I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .

He ALSO votes!



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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . .

She ALSO votes!



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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

My sister ALSO votes!


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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...

He ALSO votes!



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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

My friend ALSO votes!



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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".



SHE ALSO votes!
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[SimonDP]

Be very careful!!!!!

On Saturday morning, I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed
quietly. I got my lunch made, grabbed my camera bag and went to the garage to stow everything in the car, check that monopods and tripods are packed, etc.
Pressing the remote to open the garage door I started reversing out and suddenly rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is a little hail mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at 50 kph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and
turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I locked up the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out photographing birds?"

[elsahoffmann]

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered
that She was out of credit.She instructed her son - to use HIS phone
to pass across an urgent message to daddy who was ON SITE.

After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that it
was a lady that picked up daddy's phone, the three times he tried
reaching dad on the mobile. (Woman!!) She waited impatiently for her
husband to return from site, assuming that he was having an affair.

When she saw him, she immeduately slapped him very hard, while the man
was trying to ask why?

She repeated the slap, people from the neighborhood rushed to find out
the cause of this. The man asked junior to tell everybody what the
lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The Subscriber you have dialled is unavailable at
present, please try again later."

[DuQues]

[elsahoffmann]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her
>>thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and

>>asked "My dear child, why are you crying?"
>>
>>The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that
>>she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The
>>Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set

>>with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress
>>replied, "No.
>>The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed
>>with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the
>>seamstress replied, "No."
>>The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. Is
this
>>your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
>>The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
>>thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
>>
>>Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the
>>riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under
the
>>water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why

are
>>you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
>>The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. Is this

>>your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
>>
>>The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth! "The seamstress
>>replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see,
if I
>>had said 'No' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise.
Then
>>if I said no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I
then
>>said 'yes, you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
best of
>>health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
THAT'S
>>why I said yes' to Mel Gibson."
>>
>>MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason,
and in
>>the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

[DuQues]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide
* The Wall of Fear
* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you idiot"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[uhberman]

Die 2 seuntjies sit met hulle totties in die water.

'n Oom kom verby gestap en vra, "Wat maak julle?"

Hulle sê vir die oom, "Ons vang dose!"



Die oom (baie nuuskierig) vra, "Kan ek ook probeer?"



Hulle sê, "Ja Oom jy moet jou broek aftrek en ook jou tottie in die water sit soos ons.



Na so 'n uur vra die oom, "Hoeveel dose het julle al gevang?"



Die 2 seuntjies sê, "Oom , jy is die 5de een vandag!!!!

[uhberman]

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it there so it went to the CIA, then to NASA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually went to the very top and asked Britain's MI-6 for help.



MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

[elsahoffmann]

Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Nice hey!

[elsahoffmann]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

[DuQues]

A Compact camera:

[cheri]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just
so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Daryn Varney]

.