New Jokes and a whole lot of old ones

[MarthinusStrydom]

The Eager Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[Gerhardvr]

I definitely smiled when reading this but my smile was even bigger when I saw your alias Snotklap.

[MarthinusStrydom]

One afternoon two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken. Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer is doing.

When the photographer goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks, "Vot's he goink to do?"

Her sister answers," He's goink to focus!"

The second sister cries," Bot of us?"

[MarthinusStrydom]

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

[Geurt]

Snotty, snotty, snotty,
Who's to pay for the coffee spilled on my laptop's keyboard?

Is this a joke on the guys with beeg Canon lenses and their "tools", oh but so demunitive

Geurt

[Chris76]

A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the
airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.”Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm.

The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." "I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone.
He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and craps all over the aisle and the seat.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?”

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

[Chris76]

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[elsahoffmann]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed
there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act, he
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he
now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
another patient. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness."

"The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right
after you saved him, with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry."

[MarthinusStrydom]

ha ha ha! this one is real funny!

[elsahoffmann]

Outjie in SA weermag stuur vir sy ouma 'n handgranaat met n briefie:

"As ouma die pennetjie uittrek, kry ek 3 dae af om te kom kuier"

Liefde,
Boetie

[squiggles]

This one's for SNOTKLAP!

'n ou ry te vinnig en 'n spietkop trek hom af. Toe hy sy venster
oopdraai, haak die spietkop af en gee hom 'n TAAI KLAP (Snotklap?).
BESTUURDER (Verboureerd) : Waarvoor was dit?
SPIETKOP : As ek jou stop en jy maak jou venster oop, moet jou
bestuurslisensie reeds in jou hand wees! Moenie my tyd mors nie!
Die spietkop loop om die motor en klop by die co-driver se
venster.
Die bestuurder se pel draai sy venster af en WHAP, klap die
Spietkop hom ook.

CO-DRIVER (Verskrik) : Hei, ek bestuur nie, waarvoor is dit?
SPIETKOP : Ek het gou jou wens vervul .
CO-DRIVER : Watter wens is dit nogal?
SPIETKOP : Sodra julle hier weg ry en voor jy en jou tjom oor die
eerste bult was, sou jy vir hom gese het .... "Hy moet daai k* k
met MY getraai het"

[elsahoffmann]

Why do men call us birds/chicks?

cause we pick up worms

[elsahoffmann]

Should you be institutionalised??



It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.

This little test should get you started.


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what
is the criteria which defines a patient to be institutionalised. "Well"
said the Director "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him/her to empty the
bathtub".

OK, here's your test.

1. Would you use the teaspoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?


Think about this before you scroll down


































"Oh, I understand" said the visitor "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or teacup".


"No" said the Director, "a normal person would pull the plug! Do you want a room
with or without a view?"

[smiles]

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?


Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water
park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't
have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister,! or mangle your feet. One mood all
the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only
one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to
invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in
public.You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for
all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom
of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will
enjoy reading it.

[smiles]

MODERATOR - MODERATE EERS ASB!

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought
I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're
calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl
calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She
had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair,
long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and
figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and
give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone
and what I really want is _ex. I want it hot, and I want it
now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring
implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot
and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup
and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line Sir, you need to
press 9."

[elsahoffmann]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big old pecan tree
just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,
he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down
to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard!
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's
see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still
unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought
iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's
go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of
the boy on the bike.

[Mariusbez]

Riddle

Do you know a 6-word sentence that is written in Afrikaans and in
English with all of the 6 words spelt exactly the same in each language,
in the same word order and with the same meaning in both languages?




My Pen is in my hand

[ianweatherburn]

Do you know a 6-word sentence that is written in Afrikaans and in
English with all of the 6 words spelt exactly the same in each language,
in the same word order and with the same meaning in both languages?




My Pen is in my hand

I cheated and looked on Wikipedia and found another:

My hand was in warm water

(in both instances I guess "was" can be "is" and vice-versa)

Very interesting.

[markthomas]

What about: My pen is in my hand in warm water.

9 words!

[squiggles]

What about: My pen is in my hand in warm water.

9 words!

Dan sal die pen baie nat wees.
(This one doesn't work - and neither will the pen!!!)